I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
