Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
