Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
