I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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