I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
