either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Send help, water and tortillas.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
