The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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