Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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