it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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