Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
