He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
