Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
