evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
