He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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