Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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