Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
