After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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