No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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