when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
