Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
