Yo dont text me then not text me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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