HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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