I have demons in me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
