I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
