I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
