What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
