Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
