I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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