I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
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Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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