if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he puts the penis in happiness.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
