John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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