talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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