Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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