My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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