Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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