why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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