Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
