I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
