I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
