do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i drank out of a bidet.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
