apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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