I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
