When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
