just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
