i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Oh god it's open bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
