Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
