I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
