if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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