just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
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My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
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I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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