You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
