I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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