I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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