i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
