Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
