You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
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before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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