i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
