What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
